In this blog post we discuss the understanding of unspoken family rules. Most family units have spoken rules that are clearly communicated and recognized by all family members. When these rules are broken there are consequences for this action. However, families also have rules that are unspoken, yet it is equally important that these are respected and followed. These are often more abstract than spoken rules and can include anything from how emotions are expressed and how conflict is handled to ways of showing love and affection.
Often these unspoken rules lie below the surface, with family numbers not even being aware of their existence and their effect on the family unit. Becoming more aware and cognizant of these unspoken rules can allow you to decide if these are healthy and positive for the family dynamics. In some cases, you may want to work toward removing these detrimental unspoken rules in favor of more positive family behaviors.
Spoken rules are very obvious for families. Everyone understands the rules, though that does not necessarily mean that they will be followed. When family members do not abide by the spoken rules there are consequences. Spoken rules often include chores, behavior around mealtimes, spending habits, and curfews for younger family members. Unspoken family rules are not as obvious but are still as present in most families. These include how family members interact with one another, demonstrations of love, and how each family member speaks to the other. For many families, these unspoken rules are not frequently thought about but are below the surface.
Not all unspoken rules are a good thing. Some of these behaviors may harbor resentment and animosity among family members. For example, if the conflict resolution utilized by family members is unhealthy or there is a lack of love and affection, this can have an effect on the entire family dynamics. For many families this can begin to feel normal as they are not even aware of the unspoken rules and behavior being followed. Families that encourage a stifling of feelings or a lack of communication can create broken adults that struggle through life.
The unspoken rules in your family can have a big impact on who you become as a person, and all of your interactions with others, positive and negative. Families that do not have an open line of communication, allowing for discussions when struggling may create a pattern of these behaviors.
When you begin to recognize the unspoken rules within a family unit, you can begin to make important changes to your family’s behavior and way of interacting with one another. Discussion with family members regarding the unspoken rules and how this can be changed for the better, can go a long way to building healthier relationships and individuals.
Individual or group counseling can help you to recognize the unspoken rules of your family. Bringing to light how this has affected your life will allow for you to eliminate any negative behaviors and unspoken rules that are impacting your family.